


I Don't Do Lonely Well

by awest000000



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Angst, Blow Jobs, Character Death, Depression, F/M, Good Loki, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, PTSD, Pain, Plot Twist, Superhusbands, Surprise! - Freeform, Tony Feels, Tony thinks its his fault
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-28
Updated: 2013-03-29
Packaged: 2017-12-06 18:19:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 4,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/738684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awest000000/pseuds/awest000000
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony and Steve are finally in a relationship. Something fatal happens that changes Tony's life forever, and he will never forgive himself for it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>All the titles come from "I Don't Do Lonely Well," by Jason Aldean.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I'm Not Over You Yet

**Author's Note:**

> My first time writing porn. Idk if you all will like. It was supposed to be really short, just one chapter, no plot, nothing special... Then my imagination got a hold of it and ran like the wind!

_**Chapter 1: I'm Not Over You Yet** _

 

"Hey, Cap. What's happenin'?" Tony called over his blaring music.

"Nothing much. Jarvis, could turn down the music please?" Steve answered.

"Of course Captain."

The music stopped instantly. Tony was singing Highway To Hell, so when it quit, he kept going, and you could just hear how off key he was. "Hey! What happened to my music?"

"Sorry." Steve replied with a smirk, although he didn't sound sorry at all. "I didn't feel like yelling for you to hear me."

"Yeah right. I already know that nobody likes my kind of music. Oh well. Guess that makes me the odd ball!" He laughed.

"Apparently. Anyway, I came down here to get my bike. I'm bored out of my mind and I want-- no _need_ \-- something to do."

Tony looked at him with a devilish grin and said, "Well, my oh-so-great captain. Why don't you just take me with you?"

Steve thought about it, and said, "Okay. Let's go."

Tony's eyes widened at the thought. "I was kidding."

"I'm not." Steve lurched over and grabbed Tony's wrist. "Come on. It'll be fun!"

Struggling, he said, "No! It won't! I'll fall off and shatter every bone in my body!!"

Steve stopped all of sudden and turned around. He pulled Tony up to his chest and said in his ear, "Would I _ever_ let that happed to you?"

His breath was hot against Tony's skin. "N-no. I don't th-think."

Steve brushed his lips against Tony's temple, still whispering, "So, why are you scared? Do you really think that I would let anything, especially an inanimate object, do any sort of harm to you?"

"I guess not. Its not _you_ that I don't trust." Tony's heart was beating rapidly.

Steve's tongue flicked the top of Tony's ear and murmured, "Then what don't you trust? Surely you trust the bike, since you're the one who completely rebuilt the engine."

Tony was turning to butter in Steve's arms. "I don-don't trust. Um. The other drivers. They could, I don't know, run us over, considering they have bigger vehicles that could turn the bike into roadkill."

Steve laughed gently in his ear. His hands were rubbing up and down Tony's back. "No one will run over us. I can handle anything anybody tries to do."

"I don't have a helmet." This was the lamest exuse in probably the history of lame exuses.

Steve grazed Tony's ear lobe. "Don't worry. I have plenty."

By that time, Tony was completely aroused, and would give in to anything Steve said. "Steve." Tony gasped.

"Hm?" He was skimming the tip of his nose up and down Tony's collarbone.

"Please? Oh God, please?!" Tony begged.

"Please, what?" Steve was acting innocent.

Tony palmed himself through his jeans. Seeing that made Steve aroused. He unsnapped Tony's jeans and pulled out his cock. He ran his finger nails lightly up and down it until Tony was shaking.

He massaged Tony's shaft and got on his knees. He pressed gentle kisses along Tony's swollen membrane. He finally swiped the head with his tongue. "Steve, fuck. Yes!"

He took Tony's entire dick in one swallow. One thing about the super serum, it basically destroyed Steve's gag reflex. He ran his tongue over and over Tony. He sucked. He sucked _hard_. Tony had been grunting and making embarrassing noises. "Oh, for fuck's sake! Yes! Steve! Ngh! I-I'm gonna-." Everything went white. Tony came into Steve's mouth, and he swallowed everything.

Some cum dripped out of Steve's mouth, when he said, "So how does that motorcycle ride sound now?"

"I know what I would like to ride, but it's not your bike." Tony looked at him with lust. "Follow me." Tony pulled up his pants and went straight to the elevator. Just as they entered it, a huge explosion sounded.

That's where Tony always wakes up, sweating, in his empty bed.


	2. Chapter 2

**_Chapter 2: Baby Since You've Been Gone_ **

 

Tony was gasping and shuttering. Tears spilled out of his eyes. He put his face in his hands. "Steve. Come back. I need you." Tony whimpered. He sobbed for his lost husband all night, until Jarvis quietly spoke, asking if he wanted to talk to anyone.

"NO! I DON'T NEED ANYONE! WHY WON'T ANYONE GET THAT?!" Tony screamed. Someone knocked tentatively.

"Tony, do you want to come out? We can talk." It was Bruce. His science bro.

"NO! JUST GO AWAY!!!"

He had locked himself in his room ever since Steve was killed. He only drank himself unconcious that first night. After that, he just sat on their bed, crying. No one knew he wasn't drinking. They all assumed he was drunk all the time.

***  
It was all he could think about. It was the day before their three year anniversary. After they got out of the elevator, they ran to the window. It was the Red Skull and his HYDRA minions.

"Well damn. I thought I already dealt with them seventy somethin years ago." Steve complained. He was in their closet putting on his suit. Tony had installed the suit in their room. They were ready at the same time. They stepped onto the balcony. Tony wrapped his arm arm around Steve's waist before launching off with him.

Steve was talking into his comm, "What the hell do they want?"

"They keep saying they want revenge." Clint answered.

"From me. Nice. Well I killed him once, I can kill him again." Steve winked at Tony.

"Of course you can, hon. I have full faith in you." Steve leaned in and kissed Tony's face plate.

"Drop me here." Tony reluctantly let go, knowing he would be okay, but still afraid they were still too high up. But Cap tucked his shoulders and rolled.

They destroyed all the Red Skull's armies. When they reached the Red Skull, himself, they let Steve take care of him. Tony asked if he could with him. Steve declined, saying this was his past he needed to make peace with. They could still hear them converse.

"Ah, Captain. Its good to see you again." The Red Skull purred.

"Can't say that I feel the same. Sorry." Steve was full on Captain America.

"Well, that's too bad. I have improved my gun. I have developed it to make it go through vibranium. It won't destroy it, but it will go straight through it."

"Oh yeah? And have you tested it?" Steve challenged.

"No. But I will now." As soon as Steve put up the shield, the Red Skull fired. The bolt hit the vibranium and made it shimmer. Then it shot out of it and hit Steve. It wasn't immediate, but it burned him. It was burning Steve alive.

"Steve!" Tony screamed. He ran in and caught Steve in his arms. He was screaming. He was beating his skin trying to stop the fire that wasn't there. At least, not physically there.

His body was turning to ash. "NO! STEVE! Stay with me! Please!" Tony was desperate. He needed Steve. The ashes were traveling up Steve's body, destroying him. It was just his chest, shoulders, and head that was left.

"That is the most satisfying thing of all! Instead of just killing him right away, it is slow, and painful." The Red Skull interjected.

All the Avengers were horrified. The ashes continued, until there were only a few hairs left. They were put out with black poofs. Tony just knelt there, completely lost and stunned. He looked up at the Red Skull. He raised a hand and shot the Red Skull's head off, literally, while the Skull was laughing.

***  
Tony knew it was his fault. He should have stepped up with Steve. Instead of just letting him take on the Red Skull alone. It would always be his fault. Nobody understood.


	3. Chapter 3

_**Chapter 3: When You're Not The One Going Crazy** _

 

Steve had just... died. Nobody knew how to describe it. At their debriefing, Tony wouldn't let medical or anybody else touch him or Steve's shield. Tony had put his face plate back down.  
He just sat in the back quietly, unless someone got too close, then he would growl at them. Fury tried to ask him questions. He just shrank into his chair. He wouldn't get out of his suit.

***  
Clint and Phil were in the living room, watching TV. Well, they had the TV on. They just stared at it, though. Pepper came up from the elevator and asked, "Is he feeling better?"

"What do you think?" Natasha snapped. She just popped out of nowhere. "His husband died right in front of his eyes less than 24 hours ago. So, do you think he is feeling better?"

Pepper averted her eyes and said, "I guess not."

Bruce walked in, looking guilty. "I would just leave him alone. He screamed at me."

"How did he look?" Pepper asked.

"I don't know. He yelled through the door." Bruce sat heavily in an arm chair. Natasha sat on his lap, with her head buried in his shoulder.

"We should try to get him out. He needs to eat. And he's probably drinking." Pepper urged.

"I don't see why everyone assumes that. You all know I stopped drinking ever since--." Tony walked around the corner. His voice caught, and his eyes were threatening to flood over with tears.

He hurried into the kitchen, where he made himself some Eggo waffles. He got down Steve's favorite cup. He used the same one every morning. Tony just stared at it. It was a fine glass. It was clear, with a design on the inside that made it look like there was ice in it. It brought up so many great, sweet memories.

That just made him angrier at Steve. For dying. For leaving him. For not letting Tony say good-bye. He hurled the glass at the wall, breathing hard and flinching when the glass shattered. He wanted to scream. He slid against the cabnets, until he was sitting on the floor. His pulse was beating fast. Tony pulled at his hair.

Everyone in the other room had ran in the kitchen to see what happened. Pepper was the first to react, since she had seen this many times. "Tony--."

"NO! I DON'T NEED YOUR SYMPATHY!" Tony was distraught. "WHY? Why did he leave? Why didn't I just go with him, no matter what he said? He probably hates me. I know I hate me. You all hate me. THE WORLD HATES ME!"

"Tony, no one hates you." Everyone was surprised that it was Clint speaking. Clint and Steve were best friends, close. But they weren't near as close as Tony and Steve were. "It wasn't your fault. It wasn't anyone's fault. Except himself. He should have let us go with him."

No one was expecting it, especially Tony. But Tony's fist pulled back and hit Clint square on the jaw. "Don't. EVER. Say. That it was HIS fault. EVER." With that, Tony got up and ran to his lab. "Jarvis, make all the glass black. Reject everyone. Don't allow any override codes."

"But Sir,--."

"NO BUTS, JARVIS! MAKE IT HAPPEN."

"Of course, Sir."

Tony turned up the most depressing music he knew existed to a level that could make him possibly go deaf. Instead of working, he collapsed on the couch. He picked up his lover's shield with great tenderness. His lip trembled, and he tucked the shield under his cheek like a pillow. He cried. It wasn't sobbing. It was just crying. He cried all day, all night, and to the following morning, when he finally passed out.


	4. Chapter 4

_**Chapter 4: I Know It's Sad, But Its What I Do** _

 

He got it under control, kinda. He went up to get food once a week, at two A.M. every Wednesday. He worked. He did what he needed to. He kept the musice turned up, even when he left, so that everyone would know not to disturb him.

Every night, someone different came down to ask him to come out. One time, it was Rhodey. Tony's head snapped up at his voice.

"Tony? Its me, Rhodey. Do you wanna come out? We can go where ever you want. I don't care. We could go to a strip club for all I care."

Tony walked over to the door and threw it open. "I'm not like that. I haven't been since I married St--. Just because he died, that doesn't mean I'm going back to my old ways. So you can just go upstairs and tell everyone to shove that up their asses and deal with it." With that, he slammed the door.

They didn't stop asking him to go out. It got to the point where he couldn't take it. He got in a car and sped out of the garage. He drove. Just kept driving. He only stopped when he got to a cemetery. No one was there. It was for veterans only. Tony walked to the newest one. He sat down on the ground in front of the head stone.

He leaned against it, closing his eyes. "Hey Steve."

He waited, wishing he would reply. He knew he wouldn't. "I miss you. A lot actually. I know you're in heaven. You totally believed in all that, even though I didn't. But I have no doubt that you're there. You're probably with me right now. I still love you Steve. I always will. I want you to know that. I'll never stop loving you." His eyes filled with tears. "I guess I just want some closure. I remember you were out here one time. Talking to Peggy. It was before you came to me and said you loved me. I'll always remember that day. It was the start of... well, of us. Of this. I know that you know everyone blames you. For dying. But its not you're fault. You thought your shield would take care of you. Like I should have. But I didn't. I wasn't... your hero. But you were mine. You still are. You always will be. If you hadn't entered my life, Steve, I would be lost. I probably wouldn't be here."

He took a shuddering breath. "I wish I wasn't here, actually. I have thought over and over. I just want to kill myself. I know I can't. If this were you, you would just suck it up. You would move on. You... would be strong. I'm not strong. But I know you'll always be with me. Maybe not physically. But you'll always be there, in my heart."

He thought for a moment, "Ha. That sounds totally dorky. Steve... I just... I want you to know. You will always, always, be my only love. I love you, babe." Tony's voice cracked.

He got up and dusted himself off. He bent down and kissed the headstone. While he kissed it, his tears spilt, and fell onto the stone. He smiled weakly before walking back to his car.


	5. Chapter 5

_**Chapter 5: I Got Some Real Good Friends** _

 

Tony's friends were supportive. They tried talking to him. They knew how Tony was acting would be how they would act, if someone they were in love with died. When Tony went to get food at 2 A.M., someone was always waiting for him. They just hugged him and rubbed his back. They would stay there until he went back to his lab.

Sometimes, they would talk. It depended on who it was. If it was Pepper, she would try to talk. If it was Clint, he just stood there, with welcoming arms. Sometimes, Tony would talk. It also depended on who it was. If it was Natasha, he would mumble something, like 'Thanks,' or 'It's a bit better.' If it was Bruce, he would say that it still hurts. He would put his head on Bruce's shoulder, but it felt wrong, like he should be on Steve's shoulder. He would jump away from him and run to his lab.

He knew they were just trying to be supportive. Tony didn't know if he wanted that support. What if he got close to someone again, and they died in front of his eyes? What if he could stop it, but didn't?

What if he couldn't get over Steve?

Tony knew he never would. Everyone knew he never would. One Wednesday, everyone was there watching movies. Rhodey was there again and pulled him to sit with everyone. Tony didn't resist, until he realized what they were watching. It was Steve's favorite movie. Paths of Glory.

Tony stood up and bolted out of the room. He locked himself in his lab again. It started again. They came down and asked him if he wanted to come out. He stilled declined. It wasn't until Pepper came down that he had a real, legit breakdown.

"Tony. I get that you miss him. We all do. Do you not realize that? Everyone wishes he was still here. You need to stop sulking and get a life!" Pepper was yelling.

Tony turned a hard glare on her. "GET. OUT." He was seething. "NOW."

"Tony, that's not what I meant!"

"Yes it was. All you want is for me to get back to work. When he was here, you didn't want me to work so much. But now that he's gone, you want me to work more? You're a hypocrite, Pepper. So get out." Tony pointed to the door.

"Tony, no--."

"NOW, GOD DAMN IT!"

Pepper looked upset. Good. Maybe now she could slightly comprehend what he was going through.

She turned on her heel and left. Tony collapsed on the couch to cuddle with Steve's shield.


	6. Chapter 6

__**Chapter 6: I Lay Some Pillows Down  
To Wrap My Arms Around  
I Pretend I'm Holding You**

 

Tony moved to his and Steve's room. The reason he left was because everything reminded about Steve. Once he realized he didn't want to forget Steve, the lab was a living hell. He went to his room. He sat on his bed for three days.

After a while, he noticed something. It was a horrible stench. He lifted his underarm and took a whiff. Ew. It was him. He got up and went to the shower. He tried to make it quick. Everytime he took a shower, Steve was either with him, or waiting for him on the bed. It hurt. It hurt knowing he wouldn't be there.

He went to his closet. Instead of getting something off his side, he pulled on a pair of Steve's boxers, sweat pants, and t-shirt. He smelled his shirt deeply. It smelled like him. It was like he was there.

Tony went to the bed. While he was in the shower, someone changed his sheets. He grabbed a pillow. It still miraculously smelled like Steve. He wrapped his arms around the pillow. It felt like Steve's torso, but softer. Tears slid down his cheeks into the pillow. He felt like--like Steve was there. It was like Tony was holding him. He took a ragged breath. Someone knocked. Tony didn't acknowledge it. They knocked again before coming in. It was Phil.

"Hello, Tony." Phil said quietly.

Tony just looked at him. He took another deep breath, stealing Steve's scent from the pillow.

"I brought you something. Here." Phil handed something in a bag to him. Tony took it. Without sitting up, he took the contents out of the bag. It was of Steve and Tony. On thier wedding day. They had a picture hanging above their head board of the bed.

This picture was different. It was from a different angle. They were dancing. Steve was whispering something in Tony's ear. He remembered what it was too. "No matter what happens, I will always love you."

Tony's eyes filled with tears again. "Thank you Phil."

He just nodded, then left. Tony grabbed his tablet and sat up. He put the pillow in his lap, so that he could still bend down and smell it. He designed a frame, a white one, and it said in blue cursive writing, "No matter what happens, I will always love you." He ran to his lab to put it together. When it was finished, he put the picture in it and stared at it.


	7. Chapter 7

_**Chapter 7: I Can Get Up And Face The Day** _

 

Thor came to the funeral. Tony wasn't there. When Thor was told of what happened to Steve, he became suspicious.

"He was killed by the Tesseract?"

"Indirectly. Red Skull's gun was powered by the Tesseract." Bruce explained.

"That's impossible. The Tesseract cannot be controlled. Not for that purpose. You can make a portal, but you cannot kill someone with it. Unless that person should be killed." Thor said, darkly.

"Steve Rogers shouldn't have been killed. Everyone knows that." Clint threw in dully. Phil put an arm around his shoulder.

"This, I know. Our captain is a good man. I believe he isn't dead. I assume he was just teleported to a different world." Thor admitted.

Everyone jumped up. "You had better not be kidding, Thor." Natasha warned. "I will kill you if you are lying."

"I am not lying, Miss Natasha. The Tesseract cannot be used for killing those who shouldn't be killed." Thor was lost in deep thought.

"Do you know where he is?" Bruce asked.

"No. But Loki might. He has the magic to find people and to get to other relms quickly. I shall have him assist me in finding our great captain!"

"Don't bother coming back without him, Thor." Phil interjected.

"Of course Coul's son. I wouldn't dream of it." Thor raised his hammer and went up the swirling tunnel to Asgard.

"We don't tell Tony any of this. Understood?" Phil took charge.

Everyone nodded. "He might get his hopes up, and we don't need that. Just act natural. Don't give anything away. That means you too, Clint."

Barton looked up and said, "Tony hardly talks to me anyway. It won't be a problem."

Everyone waited anxiously for Thor. He didn't return for months. Eventually, they gave up waiting on him. There was no use. Phil had said for Thor not to come back without Steve. Maybe that's why he hasn't come back yet.

The year was ending. It was Christmas time. Tony had been quite a bit better. He would get out of his room. He would participate in watching movies, but only girly, sappy movies. Never war movies.

But when Christmas did come, Tony became depressed again. Christmas was Steve's favorite season. He loved the decorating, the baking, just the joy of the season altogether. Tony had been contemplating whether he should decorate or not. He decided to.

There was a week until Christmas when Tony bought a real tree. It was huge. He spent the whole day decorating it. The rest of the week, he decorated the tower. He had one decoration in his room. Tony didn't exactly hate Christmas, but he certainly didn't love it. So when Steve decorated, he drew the line at their bedroom.

"No, Steve. I will let you force Happy into being Santa Clause, but you will not decorate our room." Tony insisted.

"Please? Please, Tony? Just one?" Steve pleaded.

Tony couldn't look into those eyes and deny them. He smiled softly and said, "I have to approve it."

Steve wrapped him in a Steve Rogers exclusive bear hug, saying, "Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, Tony!!!"

The decoration was a simple mistletoe on the headboard of their bed. When they were laying down on Christmas Eve, Steve kissed Tony passionately.

Tony let the memory fade. He put the mistletoe up anyway. He knew it would remind him even more that Steve wasn't there. It would be Tony's first Christmas without him. He sighed and laid down. He clutched the pillow to his chest and fell asleep.


	8. Chapter 8

_**Chapter 8: Don't Do Lonely Well** _

 

Tony slowly took down the decorations after Christmas. He refused everyone's help. This was something him and Steve did. It took three weeks for the tower to be decoration free.

It was nearing Valentine's Day. Tony sighed heavily. He was in his room, and had the TV on. He wasn't really paying attention to it. It was the news. He picked up the remote, and started channel surfing. All of a sudden, there was a loud thud. He looked at the ceiling. There wasn't anything there.

He turned back to his surfing. He heard the elevator ding, and Thor's booming voice. Everyone was running. All the Avengers were talking in loud voices and laughing. Someone was crying.

"What the hell?" Tony muttered to himself. He swung out of bed and padded to the door. He listened carefully. There was a familiar, muted voice.

 _It can't be_. Tony thought. He opened the door and walked slowly to the living room.

"Where's Tony? I need to see him." Thor was standing in Tony's way, so he couldn't see who was talking.

Natasha spoke up. "Go get Tony, Bruce." Her voice was thick, like she was crying.

"Okay. I'll be right back." Bruce turned on his heel and walked towards Tony.

He stepped forward and said, "What's going on?"

"Tony! Come on!" Bruce grabbed Tony's arm and pulled him to the living room. "He's back! Thor and Loki found him!"

"Who? What are you talking about, Bruce?" Tony was thoroughly confused.

The circle broke as they neared. Standing in the middle of the group was none other than Steve. Tony jerked his arm away from Bruce. He took a few steps towards Steve.

Before he could say anything, Steve whispered, "Tony." Steve walked closer and pulled him into a hug. "I missed you. God, I really missed you!" Steve continued.

Tony was completely still. He was in shock. There was no way Steve was back. Tony watched Steve burn away in his arms. Steve sensed something was wrong, so he said, "I haven't had a shower or a decent night's sleep in eight months. So, I'm going to fix that. Come on Tony." Steve led Tony to their bedroom.

As soon as he shut the door, Steve peeled off his uniform. It was dirty, bloody, and torn. Tony knew he needed to get on the repairs right away. Steve went to the bathroom that ajoined their bedroom, and started the shower.

Tony followed him, not letting his eyes leave Steve even for a second. He put the toilet seat down and sat on it, waiting for Steve to finish. The glass fogged up, and Tony couldn't see through it. What if Steve was gone again?

"STEVE!" Tony yelled.

The glass opened to reveal Steve still standing there. There was a bit of soap on his arms and legs. "What's wrong? What happened?" He asked, confused.

Tony shook his head and said, "I couldn't see you. I thought you left again."

Steve looked at him wordlessly. He rinsed himself off better, then turned off the water. He stepped out and grabbed a towl. He rubbed his hair vigorously. He walked to their closet, with Tony following him. He grabbed a pair of his boxers before going to the bed. He motioned for Tony to crawl in with him.

"What's wrong? You've hardly said anything to me since I've been here." Steve inquired.

Tony just shrugged.

"Have you moved on?" Steve asked, gently.

"What? No! No, of course not! I just can't believe you're back. How? Where were you?"

"The gun the Red Skull zapped me with sent me to a different planet. It was blue everywhere and very cold. There were a lot of other people there too. Everyone from the war. Thor and Loki came to get me at night, when everyone was sleeping. They woke me up and told me to be quiet."

Steve thought about his next words. "I thought more than eight months went by. I thought that everyone would be dead when I got back. But apparently, it was only six months after I had gotten there, that they came. It took a while to get back, since Loki had to stop and rest. We were out there pretty far."

Tony just stared at him with big, owlish eyes. "I missed you, Steve."

He cracked a smile and said, "I missed you too, Tony." Steve leaned down and pressed his lips to Tony's. Tony tried to pull off Steve's boxers, but he stopped him. "How about we do that after I'm fully rested? I wasn't kidding about the good nights sleep."

They laughed quietly. "Okay, Steve. Let's go to sleep." He snuggled into Steve's chest.

Steve sighed quietly, with contentment. "I love you Tony."

"I love you Steve." Tony replied. "Um, Steve?"

"Yes, Tony?"

"Will you stay this time? Don't leave." Tony's voice broke. "I don't think I could go through that again."

"Of course, Tony. I have no intention of leaving. I'm perfect right where I am." Steve buried face in Tony's hair. They fell asleep, never leaving each other again.


End file.
